Thursday, May 29, 2008

Post-Its: Useful

Pertinent to the current situation?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Ice Skating (Un)Spectacular

Wondering where it all went wrong

Ice Skating. I mean seriously? Are we doing it? Ok, lets pretend we are 10. Lets go for a 'fun' time at the ice rink. I decided to join my colleagues in a trip to the Grand West Ice rink the other day. The last time i was there, was when i was about 12 years old for a mate's party. I seem to remember myself enjoying it. It will be pretty decent right? Wrong. Its not cool. I nervously handed over my size 12 shoe to the stoner on the other side of the rental counter. "What size?" was his utterance. Well, you could just look down into your hand you muppet and read the size 12 written in 99 font that is staring at you, but ill help you anyway. "12" was my reply. "Coool" was what I got back. Is it hey? Cool? Whats cool? Not your shirt, not your job?

So, I made my way to the rink, skates in tow. I sat down and suited up, a bit apprehensive about leaving my remaining shoe lying around these shady creatures lurking in the corners. I stepped out onto the ice, a little shaky at first, and made a few glides. What met me out there was utterly disappointing. There were 10,000 people skidding around in circles on a rink that is very small and resembles a frozen swimming pool. The average age was about 10 (as I eluded to earlier). No hot ladies, nothing whatsoever to look at. Stellenbosch was another issue altogether, but that's a story for another day. The only other people present at this debacle were Bellville and Pinelands trash. They were of course the 'locals' (can you imagine being a local at an ice rink, what a pick up line) and flew around the show trying to make you look like a toss. I resisted the urge on many occasions to let an elbow fly and knock the prats out cold.

In the height of my despair I trundled off accompanied by The Curls, who was in an equal state of utter disinterest, only managing a measly 40 minutes on the ice, into the Casino. This was where our night took an upwards turn. Went straight to the roulette wheel and after a good few hours of a bit of 'Nought and the Neighbours' we walked out with much heavier pockets. A good night was to ensue...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Boozing at Work

Boozing at work. It’s a grey area. Well let me actually rephrase that, not actually boozing while you are AT work, but rather coming to work boozed/hungover. As I write you this, I am using superhuman strength (yes I have it ladies) to keep my eyes from shutting and me falling face first onto my keyboard. Now, for those of you who don’t work, you cant possibly comprehend the anguish one goes through. Others like Donkey and Ruth have become all too familiar with it. Kids its not a normal hangover.

Now I can already hear people moaning and groaning, saying “Iv had lots of hangover before, whats different? Well its this. You have to appear so sober, but its worse than that. You actually have to function and have meetings and interact with other sober workers. It’s a nightmare! There are a few tell tale stages of a boozy worker.

What comes first is the ‘laggies’. Here everything seems ridiculously funny and the sufferer will float around effortlessly as if carried by unseen angels. Then, after a few hours comes the ‘parries’ Stage (pronounced p-arry-s and is said to be coined by a well known Cape Town Name, Deax he is also rumoured to have invented the High 5.) The Parries Stage is the first time the Boozer realises that this was probably not the best idea. This is where the ‘LC’ first starts to hit home and the realisation comes that you are not as cool as you thought you were. The laggies start fading away and a cloud starts to come over you. This is when the final stage hits. The Bleakness. Here kids the boozer is at rock bottom. He/she is often heard to utter phrases like “Im never boozing again”, “Was there any need for last night” and “Why did I do that”. These are all empty promises of course. They are often made to console the Boozer and make it feel like they are not bad people.

That’s my rant for the day. Enjoy the evening kids. Play safe, stay in school.

This is Going Straight to the Playroom

I really have little to say until after this final round of pool matches in the Super 14.  Maybe one or two things though....

1)  I hope the Sharks get pumped on Saturday

2)  Unlucky to UCT for coming up short against the Horn Dogs for the second time in a row (24-23)

3)  I hope the Sharks take 25pts plus from the Chiefs

4)  Congrats to the Nadoes for cleaning the Umbombo's last night!  Must say I am very impressed with the guys this year.  Thought they might lack the depth the Nadoes have always prided themselves on, but they have well and truly proved me wrong.

5)  Congrats to the RBHS 1st XV for beating SACS on the weekend.  Wasn't long ago that beating SACS was a non-negotiable, but things have changed Stuart and Jed.

6)  I seriously hope the Sharks say goodbye to Dick on Saturday evening!

7)  Play Black Out Rugby today!  Its good times!

8)  Put your life savings on the Sharks so that you hedge against a bad weekend (I have)..

9)  Behave more like this guy


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Motivations for the Day

Billy Connolly's "14 Things I hate about Everybody"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for theTV remote because they refuse to walk tothe TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want tohave your cake and eat it too".F*cking right What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always thelast place you look". Of course it is.Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been
anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc'
before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

No Honey, Not Tonight

No honey, I don't feel like it tonight...." This was written by a
guy... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s#x tonight either....but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Game has Pushed it Here just caught wind of an EXPLOSIVE interview given by rapper the game. In it, The Game claims (possibly jokingly?) that 50 and members of G-Unit are engaged in homosexual relations. Here's his exact quote - judge for yourself:

At the end it’s only gonna be Tony Yayo and 50, Banks ‘gon go too man, I’m tellin’ you it’s only a certain amount of time man that you can just f*ck n*ggas in they as* man and you can’t – that’s me man I saw the rubber comin’ I jetted, I’m out n*gga.I’m not with that homo sh*t. You can do that homo sh*t to them n*ggas man. Them n*ggas love a**, butt f*ckers, butt pirates. They do all that s*it that’s they s*it man, I like girls man.

Game, you're gonna have to clear this one up...

Thursday, May 1, 2008

SuperBru Update

Thought it might be time for a little update on what has happened in the Super 14 prediction game that is SuperBru.  Two reasons really for the timing: 1) Got four tests on Saturday and this would be considered by most guidance councilors to be "work avoidance".  2)  I'm leading, although that is not really a valid point because otherwise we would have had updates pretty much throughout the entire competition.

The tournament started off at lighting pace and those that thought that "slow and steady wins the race" was anything other than an old chirp used by losers found out pretty quickly that it wasn't.  Yours truly showed that although you might not win the Super 14 in March, your sure as hell put yourself in with a chance.  The best part about leading is that I have killed two birds with one stone by proving to critics that this game is not about luck at all.

His (why I'm writing in 3rd person I'm not sure, seeing as I am 1st person..... that was a shit joke but my timing was impeccable) fiercest rival was a man who would probably be considered the bookies favourite, Gareth "Primate" Rosslee.  As an editor of he probably does have the competitive advantage (to quote my marketing 1 lecturer - kak course by the by).  The many hours of analysing have paid off by putting him in a position the Sharks would so dearly love to be in, 2nd place, with just a few rounds left.

In third place is what this game is all about, a true underdog and comeback story.  We've seen it hundreds of times on a Sunday night on M-net and we have seen it again here.  The Great Dayne was all but out the race after a couple of rounds, but turned what was a two horse race into a crowd.  Some brave calls paid off for the big man and he is right back in the mix.  Very Stormers like actually - bad start, nice comeback, go the momentum, but never really gonna take the title are they.

The rest of the bunch really did not add much to the compo apart from some numbers to make the thing vaguely credible.  Biggest disappointment was the Biggest Name in the game,  "Coheed" Gio Aplon Thompson.  He really showed that sometimes you can be a good Vodacom Cup player, but that bridge to Super 14 might be one too far.

Credit must go to Kezza Allenbrooke for his continued participation.  Truth be known I probably would have given up by now, but the youngster has kept on fighting.  Big up to you!

Will lets hope this compo pans out like it is supposed to with the best player winning.  Going to be a tight finish me thinks!